What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:43
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
How do you view men and women who cheat?
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do doctors refuse HRT to menopausal women but hand them out to trans people?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My family never makes their pension either.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do some people dislike Gilmore girls?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I waited trembling.
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was 9 years of age.
I was seconnd youngest,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is soul school!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
Would this be the day?
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.